Draw for Yourself.

"Just slap anything on when you see a blank canvas staring you in the face like some imbecile. You don't know how paralyzing that is, that stare of a blank canvas is, which says to the painter, ‘You can't do a thing’. The canvas has an idiotic stare and mesmerizes some painters so much that they turn into idiots themselves. Many painters are afraid in front of the blank canvas, but the blank canvas is afraid of the real, passionate painter who dares and who has broken the spell of `you can't' once and for all.” - Vincent Van Gogh-

Don’t think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide whether it’s good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they’re deciding, make even more art. - Andy Warhol

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The other weekend I was at home in Wharton for the holidays. I stay in my old room, which has quickly filled with toys from my nieces and nephew from when they come over. My older niece Maegan loves to draw and has a little kid easel in the room. One side has a dry erase board. Its covered with layers and layers of her drawings that never really disappear no matter how hard she erases. It has a place to hold all her markers, which are all dried out and missing tops as well as ones with mismatched tops. On the other side is a chalk board. This is the side that Sabrina draws on, which are mostly just lines zig zagging this way and that. Be sure to ask what those lines are, because they are always something interesting!

I watched as Maegan ran into the room grabbing a random marker from the tray. As soon as the top was popped off she began drawing, her whole body moving with the direction of her strokes. From watching her I noticed that she had something that has been taken away from me over the years. She drew without thinking, without wondering if her lines were perfect and she drew for herself. She didn't stand in front of the easel wondering what to draw, wondering what i would think, she simply just started drawing. To me they were just lines going up and down and in circles. I always ask them what they are drawing and this time it was a land mermaid. I didn't really know what that was so I asked,and it turns out that its a mermaid that lives on the land! Not a bad idea huh!?

I realized what I've lost.... I've lost the ability to just pick up and start drawing. I always sit there with that blank piece of paper laughing at me. So i start thinking of what I'm going to draw, thinking if it will look cool to others, and most of all will it even be satisfying to me. I know that its hard for me to like my own drawings, over the years I've seen amazing artists works and in comparison to mine i feel ashamed. So when and IF i finish that drawing I am never satisfied just from the lone fact that I put what i do against others that I admire. This is total failure in my eyes. I've forgotten that the work I produce is all me, all my energy focusing to make an image, or to stir an emotion. Criticism on my own part has devoured my art spirit, making it hard for me to just sit and draw and enjoy what I'm doing.

I want to be like Maegan again. I want to feel content and happy with whatever is on my page. I want to put down every wall and get lost in the moment. So this is something I will be working on. Something that I know will make me a better artist.